Broken but well

Held me tight, told me tomorrow was going to be better than today. I let you make a fool out of me with your promises and your fake repentance, how stupid was I to sit there eating up all those lies you told. Faith in us was my curse and I learnt.
It’s every late night phone call you had to answer in the bathroom, every guy you had in your DMs, every text message you couldn’t open beside me. 

Most days I battled to figured out why I was never enough, I cried, full of hurt because my fault wasn’t visible to me. I needed to know why you would leave our home to sleep in another man’s arms.
Our home became a house, love was now a void word you would throw around to ease your guilt, but above all, it’s how you would look me straight in the eye and call me your forever while your phone was overloading with sext chats from other man.
It took my all and more for me to walk away but today I am free, I am rebuilding from the rubbles you left me as, my letter to you is so you know that I am better, stronger and wiser and the woman am with now is nothing short of amazing.
I wish you well.


Hello on the other side

“There are days I just sit there in the dark, lights off so maybe you won’t see me cry”

2 years in and losing you feels like yesterday, am not going to talk about the home made ice cream, the loud jokes and dancing to Oliver’s music because my heart wouldn’t be able to handle walking down that road. 

Everyday there’s smile on my face and bundles of laughter coming out of my mouth but when the curtains close and the ‘show’ is done I sit alone broken and lost without you. There are days I just sit there in the dark, lights off so maybe you won’t see me cry. 

Guessing you watching the twins grow my greatest wish was for you to be able to hold them and raise them, I know how much you wanted grand kids but I will make it point they remember you. They are amazing Ma, so much energy and always out and about destroying everything in their path, you guys also share the same birthday month.

I guess heaven is amazing and you get to be up there watching over us, I hope you get my texts I never know if reception is a thing up there but still with you I share my best and worst because you are my soldier girl, always have my back. 

Gone but never forgotten, a mother, an aunt, a sister an amazing woman. 
I love you Mum.

In my eyes

Saw it in her eyes every time he told a lie, felt it in my heart every time he made her feel pain, angry because she chose him but he could never appreciate the goodness of a great woman

The pain of watching a good woman hurt by another man, trapped in a space where she can barely notice you because you are frozen in a portrait that hangs on her bedroom wall. The pain you feel every time she goes to bed with a heavy heart and you are the one who can’t hold her and tell her tomorrow is always a new day. To be the one that fights her struggles and protects her with all you are, to know how much good you can bring into her life but you are not her man, its not your place so she won’t let you in no matter how much you try so you hold back because you are scared if you push too hard you can end up pushing her away. So now you hold on to that small thread of attention she gives you.

How do you save her if all you can offer is your hand coupled with promises, how can she trust you when the man she has doesn’t treat her good, aren’t you just another man, prone to do the same? How do you make her understand that you are willing to give her your best and never hold back if all she thinks is you are a joke? How do you become the one that holds all she cares about dear to your heart if she wont let you in? Trapped by the window, watching a good woman shed a tear and knowing you cant do anything to make it better, but still you try.

My heart sleeps with a hole that grows deeper, because all i wanted was to be the man she lets love her.

A letter to a queen

We have come a long way, from a maybe and now we stand here, together, as a team, strong and headed for greatness. I remember how we started out, so much doubt and fear of what tomorrow would bring, how you would tell me the pain you had been through and to you I would let out the truth to a past filled with pain. I asked you to let me show you how great love could be, my promise was to love you with all that I am and to give you nothing less than my best and fight to even go beyond that . The best of all things shared between us was the moment you said ‘Yes, let’s give it a try and see where we end up’ and from just a spark of hope we have become bonded beings and now we face our future together without fear of what was and might be but what we have decided to be.
To have my heart be your price and to be the one you chose to walk this path with you, now my days are brighter and my heart lighter, to know your love is to know great joy so in all times I rejoice I never forget to be grateful for the love you give. Your love has built me, grown me, forged in me a belief of faith that only brings happiness. I came from a broken past only to find healing in the arms of an angel, days past carry no weight over me now because finally I have found a home in you. Now let me be your King and work to repay you for the love you give, to appreciate you, I shall be here to serve you, protect you, fight for you and forever keep you happy to the best I can.


Broken piano

“Ask me who i am and i will tell you am nothing but a broken piano playing in the rain.”

Love was a beautiful picture, a picture I had painted in my head for years, a dream built on hearts broken past and hope awaiting tomorrow’s gift. Now all I have is a room full of shattered glass and memories of what was. It was all me, yes I did it again, I failed to be enough and now where love slept is nothing but a dark empty space filled with what could have beens and hurt. It was never my intention, I was fighting my demons and she was waiting to be loved and somewhere along that path I lost most of me in her and from a jaded feeling of insignificance I found myself kissing the bottle that almost took my life. I am but just a man, to give and to desire back that which you have whole heartedly let out, to fight for that which I can’t live without but my fight was just that, my fight alone. They told me my story was being written, taking shape comes with so much I never expected but behold with every turn I saw a glimmer of a better tomorrow but love never stops banging me to the walls with a shovel, now I ask you Cupid, what did I do wrong to deserve this, to have my heart be a punching bag? Blows harder than Mike Tyson’s and pain greater than death’s final kiss. Now alone in a room full of friends because where my heart used to be is just but a grain of sand washed away by the Nile, they ask me who I am and I tell them “I am a broken piano, playing in the rain”


Friends like family

car-cramming-renaultFriends like family

Friends that are so dear they become family, friends who are they when you need them, new or old doesn’t matter what matters is that they are true you and your interests as you for theirs. Friends that judge you not, but try by all means to better you as you would for them. Those friends that stand by you in times you fall and same friends who are there to witness you rise from every fall. Those aren’t your friends anymore, they are your family.

Family is not defined by blood, but love, loyalty, commitment and care to one another

Friends who will travel the ends of the earth if it meant you will find fulfilment, to break down walls for you and trust you with their lives as you them. Friendship like this is not based on time, by it is as the river, dry today and flowing by midday, friendship can be birthed from the simplest smallest things but change lives in such a short time. To find those that are willing to stand by you, those willing to listening, help and better you is a blessing no man can ever take from you. Like all relationships, it will get rocky and at times you all will be shaken, but in the midst of all the problems it is in truth and love that friendship overcomes all odds pitted against it.

To hold on to such friendship is to have foundation so strong the future can not be derailed.

So to my family i say to you.

As you have stood by me in all that has been and all that shall be, know that i will gladly do the same

All falls down!!

It was just another night, sitting on the couch snacking watching the Lakers bring it home. A buzz under the cushion and that’s how it all fell apart. 

I should’ve known it wasn’t worth it, from hello to an empty home just because i thought the thrill of chasing my own destruction was ‘fun’ well look at me now. Bags by the door as she told me ‘us’ was no more, how could i have been so blinded by sheer idiocy make me hurt the woman who deserved mars on a platter. She walked out the door and trying to get her back felt like running on broken bottles, i promised her magic and delivered a heartbreak.

Looking at her as she sat in her car parked in the driveway, tears running down her cheeks and it was all me, causing pain to a woman you gave me the world. All she asked was “What you done to me Victor? Was she even worth it? I thought we were best friends Victor “ No words in my mouth, i was wrong on all levels, my woman was hurting because i was stupid enough to let it happen.

Now this house feels like winter on Everest, cold and lonely….deep in thoughts of regret. She left me and now i cant even breathe right, she was all i wanted and everything i needed but now she is just a memory.